“I think I saw a UFO!”

This came out when I was sitting in a boring lecture, with a dry lecturer, with a boring PowerPoint, and in a room with many people and no AC.  The lecturer said something about UFO’s and needing evidence – probably in a point that was tangentially related to what she was talking about – and my wandering attention span perked up from its reverie to catch a strange quote and turn it into a story.  Here goes:
“I think I saw a UFO!””I don’t believe you.  I want evidence.””Well just look at these burns on my chest!” [rips off shirt, exposing two large scorch marks in a rectangular checkered pattern]”See!  Look what they did to me! Burned me with their rocket blasters when their spaceship took off.””Marvin, those are waffle iron burns.  You were drunk again last night.  You don’t remember when you tried to make ‘man-meat waffles’ for the entire party? No?  I didn’t think you would remember that.””First of all, I wasn’t drunk.  How many times do I have to tell you that tipsy is different from drunk.  And irregardless of drunk or not, I remember what I remember.  There were bright lights and then steam and then burns on my chest.  It was a goddamn UFO!””No Marvin.  The lights were from the stage you set up for your little stunt.  you had us videotape it.  And the steam?  That was from the beer you poured all over the waffle iron.  Your ‘Alcoholic syrup.'””No.  No way.  It was those goddamn aliens!  Why the hell would I do that?  Stop fucking with me!  Stop it right now!  If you’re so smart, answer me this: where did this splitting headache come from?  The aliens stuck a probe in there.  You can see the stitches!” “Need I even remind you?  Your hangover.  And your stitches are from Baptist Medical Center from when you hit your head with a hammer while trying to get some cherries to put on top of the waffles you were making.”

“You think he believes it?””Yeah, definitely.” “This kind of stuff always works best on alcoholics. We did such a good cloning job of the wife that he’ll probably never even notice.””Job well done.  Now you wanna go makes some circles in a cornfield?”

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About T Anderson

I am a graduate of Amherst College. I taught for a year in Harlem and now teach in Brooklyn.
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